Mean what you say

So, I am going to try and blog.  Started my day off all about me! I have had a stressful March and wanted to start April off on the right foot.  Got frustrated with my parents, listened to music and calmed down.  Then, they changed things again.  Frustrating.  I took a stress relieving bath with candles, calming music and spa beads while thinking about how I can get rid of all the stressors in my life.  This is my solution.  Because I feel alone, all the time, I am going to write about my life.  You can read and listen to my frustrations, advice and life or you can ignore it, I don't care either way.  Sooooo here we go.  

There are two things in my life I have always wanted to do.  The first is be a mother, that will happen in time, not as worried about it as I was in March.  (See stupid month).  The second is make a difference.  This is what I have named my blog.  For the past couple years actually, I have lost sight of who I was at the core, but also figured out my strengths and weaknesses while making great friends along the way. See making a difference can happen in many different ways.  You can make a difference in one persons life, one culture or society as a whole.  In high school I loved making a difference.  I was always needed and wanted.  I was mamma Jamie (I was reminded of this friday, something I forgot about) and I was always there for everyone.  I worked as a sports trainer, sometimes I don't think those fieldhockey girls would survive without me, but they did. :)  I also volunteered at a food pantry and helped local families with food, all while being a nanny to my first child Dana.  I am so proud of her! My centerville football cheerleader and #1 Tops cheerleader.  I left all of my happiness to shoot for some dreams to make a difference and went to college.  I tried to be mamma Jamie, but wasn't.  I had to create a new identity.  I drank, and had a GREAT time.  But, I lost myself in Cincinnati.  It was like I left who I was in Dayton.  I joined a sorority to create more friends, do some philanthropy work and become me on a broader level.  It taught me a lot, but I still hadn't found my place in life.  Took a "volunteered" year off, and by volunteered I mean mom and dad cut me off and I had to work full time to pay my bills.  Turned out, best year ever.  I have never felt so independent, so empowered.  I was good at my job, I loved my job.  

This past summer 2009, I went to Zambia, Africa.  Life changing. Sometimes I wish I would have started a blog for that trip, but too late now.  In Zambia I worked on a farm called Sons of Thunder.  I watched and played with orphaned children, I watched a child die of malnutrition and held a child who had AIDs.  I watched two orphan children go home with their biological father.  One little girl, was smiling and so happy.  But the other little boy, didn't crack a smile.  His heart was so broken.  He was leaving the only family he had known, the 5 women workers and 24 brother and sisters (the other orphans).  I watched as the missionary, took the little boy into her arms, talk to him, explain to him why he had to go.  It was the worst thing, but I know that it was what was right for him.  He would be reunited with his siblings and have more attention devoted to him by his family.  Needless to say this trip changed my life.  So much to the fact, I came back to the states, put in my two weeks at my job (which I LOVED), moved back to Dayton, changed schools and majors all the while moving back in with mom and dad.  

Now the past 9 months has not been no picnic.  It started off wonderful, I became treasurer of the Social Work club @ Sinclair (Community College that is), I was getting along with m & d (which I didn't think would happen), and I rekindled lost friendships that had been put on hold since moving to Cincy.  Things were starting to look up in my life.  Then 2010 hit.  So far hasn't been the best year of my life.  I have lost two of my best friends and have almost completely lost all my friends in Cincinnati, one of my very best friends in Dayton, Lauren went through Chemotherapy for breast cancer at 22 and I did the unthinkable and missed work because I overslept (something I have NEVER done before--and may be fired in the next month--hopefully not but you never know, I screwed up).  Not everything has been so bad  I got accepted into the program at Wright State and officially have a graduation date, Spring 2012!  Plus, my parents are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary in May, it gives me hope that marriages do last.  

So, why blog?  I love to write, and personally I think I am pretty damn good at it :).  Plus sometimes it is good to get things off your chest and write about them.  Also I am doing it so that unlike Zambia, I can blog about my next trip which is GERMANY!  I am going to Germany in July to teach children how to speak English, while spreading Gods love.  Now I know you are thinking, "Whoa! hold up Jamie, you are talking about God!! No way!"  I know I know, it isn't something I like to openly talk about, but hey this is the internet and I can just type away and not have to listen to anyones response.  So, I am going to talk myself through a struggle I have been having.

You know I was really involved in high school and it was like the time when I truly knew myself, but before that, I was really depressed.  You see me wanting to be a mother runs very deep inside me, I think because I have always wanted a sibling.  A little baby to have around the house, to play with, feed and take care of (I know, I like to care of people, sometimes it is a problem and I know that).  In October of 2000, my mother, someone who can not conceive (I was a petri dish baby) found out she was pregnant.  I was 12 at the time, my dreams and prayers finally coming true.  On February 24, 2001, my brother Benjamin David came into this world as a still born baby, breaking my heart.  I blamed God, I hated him.  He took my brother away from me and I didn't want anything to do with him at all.  It wasn't until Young life camp 2005, 4 years later where I found peace with his death, and it was by finally accepting that things happen for reasons we don't understand, but believing that there is purpose in the events of life and the decisions we make gets us through the horrible times in life.  I went from crying everyday about my brothers death for 4 years to only crying one time since that day in Rockbridge Virginia.  

So, going to Zambia, seeing God through all these women and men and children makes me think there is purpose, and that through him I can make a difference and make a change for the better.  So now I am going to Germany to spread love!  :)  Now, I am not EVER going to be the girl who throws religion in your face, I will lead by example, I will show love to everyone who walks this earth, I don't care who you are, what you have done or who you will be become.  Everyone deserves love, in one way or another.  

But that is all for now, I will write tomorrow or this weekend or next week, I don't know, it will be when I feel the need to write, hopefully it will be everyday, but there are no guarantees in life, so live each day as if it was your last and fight for the things that matter most.